Reading time: ~8 minutes
1. Why This Conversation Matters
Wedding photos capture smiles, but the years that follow can bring slammed doors and painful silences. In Malaysia the number of legally recorded divorces rose to 62,890 in 2022—a 43 percent jump over the previous year. Earlier pandemic data showed nearly 78,000 couples ended their marriages between 2020 and mid‑2021.
No couple walks down the aisle planning to separate. Yet research shows that divorce is rarely sparked by one dramatic event. More often, it grows from everyday exchanges that slowly erode trust and goodwill. Relationship scientist Dr John Gottman nicknamed the most corrosive of these exchanges “the Four Horsemen” because, when they gallop unchecked, they predict marital breakdown with startling accuracy.
The good news: each horseman has an antidote—a healthier habit you can practise today.
2. Conflict Isn’t the Villain—How We Handle It Is
Arguments are inevitable when two unique people share bills, parenting duties, and a limited supply of weekend hours. Handled well, conflict can be a doorway to deeper understanding. Handled poorly, it becomes a wedge. Gottman’s Four Horsemen describe the “poorly” side of the equation.
3. Horseman #1 – Criticism
Criticism attacks the person (“You’re so lazy!”) instead of describing the behaviour (“The laundry is piling up”).
Why it hurts: Personal attacks trigger shame and defensiveness, making teamwork nearly impossible.
Antidote – A Gentle Start‑Up
- Pause and describe what you feel and what you need.
- Example:
- Instead of: “You never help around the house.”
- Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed by the chores. Could we fold the laundry together after dinner?”
A soft start‑up invites change without blame.
4. Horseman #2 – Contempt
Contempt mocks, belittles, or drips with sarcasm (“Even the kids wash dishes better than you—are you clueless?”).
Why it hurts: Eye‑rolling, name‑calling, and ridicule convey disgust, the single strongest predictor of divorce in Gottman’s studies.
Antidote – Build a Culture of Appreciation
- Spot effort and voice it, even when results aren’t perfect.
- Example:
- Instead of: “Why can’t you do a simple task without leaving stains?”
- Try: “Thanks for washing up. Next time, let’s add a bit more soap so they sparkle.”
Regular gratitude deposits protect the relationship bank account for the days when withdrawals are unavoidable.
5. Horseman #3 – Defensiveness
Defensiveness flips blame back (“Why do I have to pick the kids? You’re the one with flexible hours!”).
Why it hurts: It signals, “The problem isn’t me,” shutting down joint problem‑solving.
Antidote – Take Responsibility for a Piece of the Puzzle
- Own even a small part of the issue.
- Example:
- Partner asks: “Did you forget to pick up the children?”
- Healthy reply: “I’m running late—traffic was heavier than I planned. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Thanks for checking.”
Acknowledging your part diffuses tension and keeps the focus on solutions, not blame.
6. Horseman #4 – Stonewalling
Stonewalling is emotional shut‑down—crossed arms, silent treatment, scrolling your phone while your spouse speaks.
Why it hurts: It leaves the other partner alone with big emotions, amplifying hurt and anger.
Antidote – Self‑Soothing and Re‑engagement
- Notice your rising heartbeat; when it climbs above ~100 bpm, rational talk is nearly impossible.
- Take a 20‑minute break—walk, breathe, splash water on your face.
- Return and say, “I’m ready to talk now.”
Couples who learn to pause, rather than withdraw indefinitely, protect both connection and dignity.
7. A Malaysian Lens on the Four Horsemen
Shared apartments, long commutes, and multi‑generational households can magnify daily friction. Contempt may emerge as sarcastic jokes at a family gathering; stonewalling might look like retreating behind a laptop after a tense video call. Recognising the pattern is the first step to steering relationships back toward warmth.
8. If the Horses Are Already Galloping—What Next?
- Do a quick audit: Which horseman shows up most often?
- Practise one antidote this week—small, consistent shifts beat grand declarations.
- Seek professional help if cycles feel stuck. Couples therapy provides a neutral space to translate blame into understanding. Early intervention is far easier (and cheaper) than court filings.
9. Shared Responsibility, Shared Hope
Healthy marriages aren’t born; they’re built—conversation by conversation, year after year. Both partners lay bricks. Blaming one person for the state of the house misses the point: relationships are co‑creations.
“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect’ couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to cherish their differences.”
Whether you’ve been married two years or twenty, replacing criticism with curiosity, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with ownership, and stonewalling with calm re‑entry can reopen the path to closeness.
Thanks for reading. If you’d like support in taming your own Four Horsemen, our clinical psychologists at MY Psychology are here to help—because words can wound, but they can also heal.
